Is there something that you really want to do, but you really don’t want to do it? You see, I want to sky dive. I really want to do it, but I really don’t want to.
That doesn’t make sense you say? Well let me try to explain the internal struggle I am having regarding this. I hate heights, but in a particular way. I like looking out at pretty views from the tops of castles and buildings and I can stand to climb ladders at work. But as soon as I can look down or directly underneath me and see how high I am, I freak out. Take going up the Eiffel Tower. Beautiful views looking out, but as soon as I go near the edge, OH NO! Take me working on ladders at work. There I am, pottering away perfectly fine doing what ever has taken me to face the retched beast, and I stupidly look down. I go shaky, and have to climb down before I can brave it again or convince someone to do it for me instead.
So you can imagine, jumping out of an aeroplane and being able to see how damn high I am, um no. Then there is also the fact that I am scared. Scared of what? Oh you know, just dying. Just falling from thousands of metres out of the sky with my parachute not opening, and the second parachute not opening, and with me going ker-splat. I know it’s only supposed to happen once in a million, but knowing me, I would be that one.
But… the thing is… I want to fly. How stupid and childish is that? But it’s true. I want to know what it would be like to free fall with nothing but air around me. My friends who have done it have said it’s a feeling like no other, a feeling of freedom, wonderment, immense happiness, fear and adrenaline all mixed into one. It’s something that can’t be felt any other way.
And I want to know what that would be like. I don’t want to not do something because I am scared. Even though I think my fears are pretty damn legitimate in this case, I don’t want to always wonder what it would be like.
Is it going to happen? I really don’t know. Because I really want to do it, but I really don’t want to. Maybe in a year or so, when I have finished university. Jumping into the unknown and leaving that all behind seems wonderfully symbolic. Perhaps I’ll just jump off my bed instead.